~ Epiphany ~

Epiphany

I’ve had an epiphany of sorts.  Just after writing a piece for my blog, a few new thoughts popped in my head.  Poof, literally, poof.  The thoughts just formed and began to speak to me.  Imagine.

Of late, in particular, I have been very unhappy and restless.  I want to be happy.  So I read stuff, this and that, trying to understand where I am and why.  To know, what’s broke, so I can repair it?

Rhythm, my life rhythm has been broken or askew for a long time.   Here are just a few high lights.  First, my eight year old son was hit and killed in 1981. I was all kinds of crazy after this.   A life’s work went down the tubes.  A thirty year marriage ended.  A six year second marriage ended.  The relationship didn’t end and we hung on for eighteen years beating a dead horse.  There’s more but I don’t want to scare you.

I think you could safely say I sat down in life and slowly let go.  I was ready to retire so I wouldn’t have to “deal” with people.  So I retired, no matter that I wasn’t financially prepared.  Reality can be cruel and exacting and unforgiving.

I forgot where happy comes from.  Truthfully I don’t believe I ever really knew.  With this mini epiphany I may have actually hit upon something.

With several life changes under my belt, my brain on tilt, and my split second decision maker broken, I ran completely amuck!  This is not pretty or healthy or productive.

There is a point to this “story”; I cannot “sit down” on life.  The “jobs of life” keep us cranking mentally and spiritually.  Think, a job well done.  Now, don’t go all green in the face but, jobs like homemaking, an outside the home job, social outreach, and nesting a place of your own,  all give order and give us a sense of well being and hope.  A job well done is part of life.

Life is full to the brim with jobs, real life opportunities to reconnect with happy.  I believe happy will open wide while going about the business of real living.

For example, I’ve always dreamed of writing but was riddled with fear.  I’ve stepped finally out of my comfort zone and began some serious writing.  Poof, one of my new favorite words, poof!, and the words are gushing forth.  Part of this may be because they have been dammed up for so long.

This is where I am right now, what I'm working on and toward.

And there you have it, in part, I’m still searching.

July 9, 2010

smh